How To Get Your Kid To Stop Lying

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That grating blend of talking, squealing, and crying is the stuff of nightmares, but try not to let your kid's bellyaching drive you crazy. Stay calm and tell them that you can only understand them if they ask nicely. Prevention goes a long way, so schedule errands after naptime and pack a snack when you leave the house. To curb whining in the long-term, teach your child about your expectations, and praise them every time they use their nice voice.

1
Take a deep breath and try to stay calm. Try not to let your child's whining drive you crazy. Inhale slowly, do your best to maintain a reasonable mindset, and keep your frustration in check.^[1]
- You'll have better luck dealing with your child's whining and addressing any legitimate needs if you keep your cool.
2
Avoid yelling or showing that you're overwhelmed. Scolding your child can negatively reinforce their behavior, or show them that they can get attention if they whine.^[2] Furthermore, if you immediately yell at them to stop, they might burst into a full-blown tantrum.^[3]
- Remind yourself that children whine when they want or need something, feel powerless, or lack the words to express themselves. Instead of yelling, figure out what's motivating their behavior and instruct them to communicate nicely.
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3
Try to figure out if your child is whining for a legitimate reason. If your child is whining without saying actual words, try to get to the bottom of their behavior. For example, think about when they last ate, slept, or went to the bathroom.^[4]
- While their behavior might be unacceptable, they might be upset for a legitimate reason.
4
Don't give them what they want while they're whining. It's important that you don't immediately cave into their demands while they're whining. This lets them know that whining is a good way to get what they want.^[5]
- Instead, your goals should be to help them express themselves calmly, then address any legitimate needs.
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1
Tell them you can only understand if they use their nice voice. Express empathy and explain that you want to help, but that can't understand them when they whine. Without frowning or looking angry, calmly ask them to say what's wrong using their nice voice.^[6]
- Say, "I really wish I could help you, but I don't understand you when you talk like that. Can you please use your nice voice?"
- Ask them to use their nice voice twice. If they don't respond after 2 requests, shrug, say "Well I guess you don't want my help," and ignore their misbehavior until they change their tone.^[7]
2
Offer a snack if they nicely say that they're hungry. Try to remember to grab crackers, dry cereal, fruit, or another snack before leaving the house with your child. If you're at home and lunch or dinner will be ready in 15 or 20 minutes, give them something small, like a few crackers or carrot sticks.^[8]
- When they ask nicely, say, "Of course you can have a snack! Thanks for asking so nicely!"
3
Give them a task or activity if they're bored. Try to think ahead and pack a coloring book and crayons, puzzles, or a toy to keep your child busy when you leave the house. If you don't have something entertaining on hand, think of a task or game that could distract them.^[9]
- For example, if you're at the grocery store, say, "I've got a special job for you! I need you to pick out 5 of the very best apples. Can you help me?"
4
Schedule a nap before running errands, if possible. The best way to deal with a cranky, tired child is to stick to their napping schedule. Whenever possible, take them to the bank, store, and other boring places when they're well-rested.^[10]
- If you can't avoid taking them out before their nap, try redirecting their whining with an activity, task, or game.
5
Let them have the toy or treat they want only if they stop whining. If your child isn't whining because they're hungry, tired, or bored, chances are they want a toy or candy. While they're whining, keep the item they want out of their access as best you can. If it's something they can have, explain that they can have it if they ask nicely.^[11]
- Say, "I can't understand what you're saying when you talk like that. Maybe if you use your nice voice and say 'please,' I'll know what you're asking for."
- If they can't have the item, try expressing that you understand that they're upset, then briefly explain why they can't have it. For example, say, "I know you want another balloon, and I'm sorry you can't have one. If you got an extra one, there wouldn't be enough for the other kids."
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1
Teach your child how to appropriately express their feelings. Encourage them to say how they are feeling at various times. Do this consistently throughout the day, not just when the child is whining. This can teach them how to state their needs or wants without whining.^[12]
- At different parts of the day, ask the child "how are you feeling?" Encourage them to name their feelings and to explore why they feel that way.
- When they play or interact with others, ask children to recognize the feelings of others. Do they look happy, sad, upset, or angry?
- Use picture books, games, and pictures to help children recognize and name their feelings.
2
Explain when they're calm that you won't respond to whining. Choose a moment when they're calm and happy to set your expectations. Tell them that they need to ask nicely if they need or want something.^[13]
- Tell them, "I won't respond when you whine. If you want something, you need use your nice voice and say 'please.' That way, I'll understand what you're saying, and we can figure out how to fix your problem together."
- Provide them with an example of asking nicely, such as, "When you need something, say, 'May I please have a snack?' or 'Would you please play a game with me?'"
3
Demonstrate what whining sounds like. Your child might not realize when they're whining or understand what it sounds like. Try imitating them or recording them when they whine. Instead of making them feel bad or making fun of them, try to keep your tone educational.^[14]
- When you imitate their whining or play the recording, say, "This is what you sound like you whine. It doesn't sound nice, and it's hard to understand what you're saying."
4
Be as consistent as possible about ignoring whiny behavior. Make sure you and any co-parents are on the same page when it comes to dealing with whining. Curbing the behavior will most almost impossible if you don't respond to whining consistently.^[15]
- Tell other co-parents, "If we give our kid what they want when they whine, we'll only encourage them to whine more in the future. When they start to whine, tell them that you can only understand them if they use their nice voice."
5
Reward them when they use their nice voice. Whenever possible, offer praise or a small reward to positively reinforce good behavior. Notice when they ask nicely and use polite words, tell them you appreciate it, and let them know they're doing a great job.^[16]
- Say, "Oh I'm so happy you asked nicely!" or "Since you asked so nicely, you can have a cookie. Good job!"
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Communicating with a Whining Child

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Question

What can I say instead of stop whining?

Denise Stern is a Parenting Specialist and the CEO of Let Mommy Sleep, the country's leading Baby Nurse and Postpartum Care service. Denise specializes in providing nurturing care to newborns and evidence-based education to their parents. She holds a BA in Public Relations from North Carolina State University. Denise was the US Chamber of Commerce Leading Woman-Owned Business in 2013, a Washington FAMILY Magazine Mother of the Year in 2016, and on the elite White House Summit for Working Families hosted by the President and First Lady Obama in 2014. Let Mommy Sleep is the only company of its kind that holds a local government contract to teach newborn and postpartum care.

Parenting Specialist

Expert Answer

Don't scold your child for whining or blow up at them. Instead, stay calm and remind them how to express their feelings. If you get upset with them, they might learn to use whining to get attention.